Rewrite some of this paper in a better way and adhere to these critiques.
The second half of your paper is successful because you show the reader the data of the thrifting marketplace. You demonstrate that sustainability has become a financially viable activity with fashion, only to create a new problem. However, your reader would have left your essay by the 700 word mark because the problem you were revealing wasn’t clear. The context of the problem should be revealed by the 2nd or 3rd paragraph. I was confused why you thought everyone should afford Von Dutch. Later I realized that wasn’t your claim, but knowing the claim should be clear in the 1st or 2nd paragraph. Proofread more carefully, every sentence should have a purpose. Use meaningful and reputable secondary sources. You may not send your reader to another link to understand what you are saying. The link provides the reader the source you are leaning on, not to do your research.